Skill or Talent?

What is the difference between a skill and a talent? Ask Google and it will tell you a skill is expertise, adeptness, and a great many other synonyms including…wait for it…talent; and the meaning of “talent” is natural aptitude or skill. After a lifetime of trial and error, I think I can state with confidence that one of my best talent-skills is making people fall asleep despite their best intentions to stay awake. Putting people to sleep is a family tradition. Part of it was learned in the cradle. My sister was forced to sit and push me in my baby carriage back and forth, all the while chanting, “Nah, Nah, Baby.” Our mother insisted that pushing or rocking was not enough. You had to chant while you worked at boring babies to sleep. In the case of her special chant, the accent was on the “ee” in baby. “Nah, Nah, BabEE” for hours on end, until my sister’s head was leaning on the carriage handle, she was snoring, and I was playing with my toes. You should try this sometime. Hold something living. Choose something other than lizards or rattlesnakes. Pick living things that will allow you to hold them without biting off your face. Then nicely rock back and forth chanting “Nah, Nah, Babee,” all the while letting your own eyelids start to droop. If you do it right, the thing in your arms will slowly nod off before you do. (The full set of instructions is listed below; keep reading.) I was never consciously aware I had this secret gift until one holiday meal spent at a restaurant with my sister and all her brood. It was a dress-up affair. I actually wore a suit. I think it had a black skirt and red and black jacket. Why is this important? Because I almost never wore suits and you’d think I’d be reluctant to volunteer for baby vomit duty. Her granddaughter was still young enough to be held in my arms, yet old enough to give me a backache when I held her in my arms. She began to fuss during the meal, so I got up from my Coq au Vin or whatever delicacy was on my plate, picked her up, and began juggling her to the whispered tunes of “Nah, Nah, Babee” as the others continued eating. Was this an act of self-sacrifice? Not for a moment. It was a golden opportunity to flee the joint without having to leave the room. I was not then, and am not now good at eating and talking at the same time. Did the baby quieten down? Of course she did. Did she fall asleep? I don’t remember because somewhere in my pacing I came near enough to my sister to overhear her make a complimentary remark about me to the woman next to her. This shocked me so much I’ve forgotten all about the rest of the event. That was the first time in the history of the world that I’d heard my sister say something nice about me. It wasn’t until we were both past the age of fifty that I had a clue she even liked me. This probably stemmed from the days when she had to push my pram back and forth for hours while our mother had a nap, or from unsuccessfully trying to teach me what came after the letter “H.” What did she say that stunned me? Apparently the lady sitting next to her made a comment about how nice of me it was to make the baby shut up (but phrased more tactfully). Then my sister replied, “Yes, she always has been good with babies.” Me? Good with babies? When did that happen? Oh, yes, I brought my firstborn to meet her during one of her visits to our neck of the woods, so she may have gotten the notion then. Come to think of it, I babysat her infants when she was in town and they never had to be rushed to the emergency room the few times I was in charge, so, yeah, I guess maybe she really did think I was good with babies. Or she was bragging, which is also a possibility. Either way, that’s when I got the notion I was good at making people and pets go to sleep, so I tested it out and can now say with confidence it’s one of my primary skills. You’ve already read most of the trick with babies. However, it’s not just the “Nah, Nah” chant. No, that’s not enough. You have to wrangle all their seventeen arms and legs into a tight grasp, swaddle them in wrappings if you can, or just pin all the flailing parts against your body and then stare them in the eyes. Keep staring at them; keep rocking or bouncing them; don’t let them get distracted by the Walking Dead on TV. Rock, chant, stare, and repeat. Gradually, let your eyes begin to droop as if you were getting sleepy. Pay attention to that last part! It’s a trick! You are not getting sleepy; you are imposing your will on the creature by making it believe you’re falling asleep. If you fail to stay alert during this deceit, you will definitely nod off, drop the baby on the floor, and end up regretting you’re alive. So heed my words: you are acting. It’s a big, fat trick. It’s you against them, and you intend to win because you can rock them and say “Nah, Nah” longer than they can fight back. That’s what works with babies and pets. With adults it’s a different story. The trick to putting adults to sleep is to bore them into unconsciousness. Here’s what you do: You start off getting cozy and having a nice chat during which they do most of the talking. The more comfortable the chair or couch the better, and it really helps if you can get them to have a little nosh and maybe something warm to drink other than coffee. Avoid caffeine. Once they start to wind down, it’s your turn to do the talking. Start off at the same loudness volume as they use and gradually turn down the knob a few decibels per paragraph of speech. Also, begin to narrow the sound of your voice toward monotone. Pick a topic that interests you but no one else. Be enthusiastic at the outset. This fools your audience into thinking they might want to listen. Continue intoning…I’m not saying chanting…I’m say intoning. There’s a difference. Practice. You’ll get better with practice. Watch their eyes drooping against their will. It’s kind of fun, actually. You have to stop when their heads start to bobble. If you let them drop into a deep snooze, they may feel embarrassed when they wake up and then never visit with you again. On the other hand, if they are really stressed out, a good nap might be just what they need. You can tell them that once you’re bored with staring at them or leafing through all available magazines. Then you can wake them up and take credit for recognizing and selflessly tending to their health. It’s said that everyone is good at something, right? Everybody has a special gift, something they can be proud of and excel at. Take plumbing for example. Nothing is more important for world peace than good plumbing. Pats on the back to all talented plumbers. Maybe it’s tidying up. Perhaps it’s finding cures for cancer. Possibly it’s a knack for accounting. They all matter. They all keep the world from collapsing into chaos. Our mission in life is to ignore the insults and attempts at keeping us browbeaten and defeated and instead go forth to find our calling, our mission in life, the things of which we can be proud. Now that you know about my special skill, I encourage you to follow my tutorial should you ever need to encourage a baby, pet, or acquaintance to nod off. If you require extra pointers, I’m your Gal. Only don’t call after 8:30 at night because that’s past my bedtime.