The Old Lady's Guide to Meditation

In this blog I’m going to share the secret of success for achieving enlightenment using a highly refined technique I’ve developed over years of study. However, as with most promotional pitches, you have to sit through the presentation, in this case my life story, before you get to the price of the product. I live in the land where people go to eat real Chinese food. No, not China, a little suburb of Los Angeles where tiny houses on big lots have been replaced by huge mansions with no yards. If you head this way to eat dumplings, be sure to assume traffic lights have no meaning and proceed with caution. It should have come as no surprise last week to see five Buddhist monks walking single file down a major thoroughfare, complete with dark red cloaks, shaved heads, bare feet, and begging bowls. Yet it did surprise me. I hadn’t seen a Buddhist monk in quite a while. Buddhist nuns, yes, all the time, mostly at Trader Joe’s. They wear shoes and use shopping carts. Forgive me, I just watched twenty-six hours of Indian television about Buddha’s life so the concept of teaching humility by walking barefooted and bareheaded with a begging bowl in hand is fresh in my mind. I just had never before seen the procession at 9 am in downtown where I live. This got me thinking about my attempts to study Eastern philosophies and religions in order to attain self enlightenment. Stop laughing. First I tried Yoga, Hatha Yoga more specifically. That didn’t last long because I didn’t gain strength and flexibility. I gained a sprained back. Next I tried Tai Chi. That was more my speed. Slow. The first class I attended was held outdoors in a park. I was so out of shape that my butt muscles started twitching, which proved to be so distracting to the male student behind me that I was asked to move to the back of the class. Eventually, I got better at the long form of Tai Chi. Practicing for several years did improve my physical responses. I was able to snatch a tipping glass of red wine without a moment’s hesitation, just like Bruce Lee, and set it upright instead of assisting its trajectory toward the woman sitting next to me, as I normally would have done. On the other hand, I got cocky about my new self-defense skills, tried to flip my boss over my head in a moment of playfulness at work, and ended up in the emergency room with a severe attack of larynx spasms. Possibly the best part of the Tai Chi years was when my friends and I would go to a local restaurant after evening practice in the park and place fresh, warm, whole wheat buns on our frozen noses. We refer to hot bread rolls as nose warmers to this very day. Chi Quong came next. My two Tai Chi sisters and I were out in the fields, doing our Saturday morning attempts to refine our form. (We refer to ourselves as the three C-witches because our names start with C and we like metaphysical studies. This is something of no interest to anyone other than ourselves.)  We noticed a Chinese man practicing an interesting technique. He didn’t speak English but his son explained what dad was doing. After much hand waving, it was decided that the Chi Quong master would lead us through exercises every Saturday morning until he returned to China. We showed up; he did his non-verbal best; yet self-enlightenment still eluded me. I took one more class and then gave up on Chi Quong. You are probably thinking I give up easily. You may be right. Yet it’s also true that I get maniacally obsessed with a new hobby for about two-and-a-half, maybe three years max, and then move on to a new obsession. My Tai Chi time was up. This brings us to meditation. In addition to seeking enlightenment via physical activity, the thing that appealed to me most was the notion of sitting cross-legged and not thinking. However, to do that properly you really should sit up with your back straight. This presents a problem. There is no way short of spinal column replacement that I can sit up straight. Five minutes into Ohm Shanti Ohm my nose is nearing my knees and I’m in enough pain that I want to hit the person who told me this would be a good idea. It’s just as bad sitting in a chair. Instead of focusing on my third eye, I’m soon focusing on how long I have to wait until I can start eating Advil. Then I remembered my sister’s Golden Rule: Never run when you can walk. Never walk when you can stand. Never stand when you can sit. Never sit when you can lie down. It’s kind of a family thing. It worked for my father. It worked for my sister. And it works for me. That’s how I developed The Old Lady’s Guide to Meditation. Here’s what you do: Go to bed. Like at night, when it’s time to go to sleep. Turn on a bedside lamp, if you have one, otherwise leave on the overhead light. Lie on your back. If that hurts, prop your knees up with pillows, or your head up with pillows, or all of the above, whatever it takes to be on your back and be comfortable. Then think about the things that happened during the day for which you are grateful. Count your blessings. They can be minor things, like not driving your car through the back wall of the garage. When you find yourself counting annoying things, rewind and start over with the gratitude part and blessings. Do this until you get bored with being annoyed. Next, start your breathing technique. There are hundreds from which to chose. (I could go on a long ramble about the whys and what fors, but basically you’re trying to quiet your mind enough to let some peace seep in and maybe a little cosmic consciousness while you’re at it.) Sample some, find what works for you. Practice. You’ll get better with practice. The single most important thing at this stage is to remember … embed this in your memory … it’s hard to achieve self-enlightenment when you are snoring. So your main goal here is Do Not Fall Asleep in the middle of your breathing exercises. This is not as easy as it sounds, but the rewards are worth the effort. Trust me. You’ll know you’re headed toward Nirvana if you can do all of the above and still turn off the light before you pass out for the night. So far I haven’t exactly attained full enlightenment as did Buddha under the Bodhi tree, but I’m working on it. My back doesn’t hurt while I’m chanting Ohhhmmm in my head, and my annoyed time has been reduced to zilch. Give it a try. What have you got to lose? The worst case scenario is you’ll get a good night’s sleep with the light on.